I did post it-- on Miscel(Lainie)ous which hasn't had a new post in months and months.
And is a blog that is rarely visited.
But I was talking to a friend who gently, ever so gently, called me out.
I haven't been around here much... been lost in my head, praying, and sorting some things out.
But I'm stalling-- which isn't like me. I'm a Band-Aid ripper... okay, enough talk...
Untangling My Heart (On Being A Girl)
originally posted Jan 13, 2010
I apologize for the randomness of this post. It is late and everyone is asleep and I need to talk a few things out.
Tonight I had a Demarle party. Demarle is a cookware company--the mother company that makes Silpat mats. It's amazing stuff I tell you.
But that's not what's on my mind, exactly.
I don't normally attend houseware parties, etc... and I certainly would never imagine hosting one.
Why is that?
I realized that I would have thought they were "too girly."
So I was cleaning up the kitchen after everyone was gone and the kiddos were in bed.
It was quiet so my brain started to think about the day.
Earlier I posted a poem that a friend tagged me in on Facebook.
In that poem a woman is "talking" to herself as a young girl.
I loved the poem and it encouraged me greatly.
But, as I suddenly had too much quiet time, I realized that poem was unearthing a truth I hadn't seen before.
I'm not sure when it happened.
There have been snippets of evidence here and there.
But tonight I realized that I've finally embraced being "a girl."
I've always embraced being a woman, but never a girl. At least not in a very long time.
See, for me, it wasn't safe to be girl.
It was much safer to be a tomboy-- loud, gregarious, confident (seeming) and in control (so I thought).
My young heart must have thought that being a tomboy would somehow prevent the looks and comments and the touching-- quite terrifying to a little girl.
What I didn't know back then was that once a girl is "broken" in that way it is like a neon sign inviting the inappropriate, the hurtful, and the cruel.
Little girls should wear twirly dresses and ribbons while flitting about carefree.
I am in a heartbreaking majority of little girls that, instead, wore shame as valiantly as we could.
And yet today I sit here in tears because I realized that the "little girl" has come out to play.
Carefree and safe.
Tonight, she wore a little bow in her hair that was made by a friend.
She served food on dishes that look like this:
Any who "know" me know that I don't do floral prints. Ever.
These are my previous dishes:
Is the difference as startling to you as it is to me?!
What has happened to me?
Well, I met this guy... He works with His hands... you know, He builds stuff. In fact, He is building me a place at this very moment. He likes to be busy so even while He is working on our new home, He has been taking care of this small warehouse of stuff I used to own.
I didn't want anything in there any more so I gave it to Him.
Boy, He is great at organizing and cleaning.
He has gotten rid of so much stuff-- old baggage filled with hurts, wounds, and bad memories.
He found some good stuff in there too.
Creativity, love of textiles, and a few crazy ideas.
He cleaned it all off and gave it back to me. He says we can work together making stuff and maybe even work on a few of those crazy ideas.
After He cleaned out my warehouse He showed me a picture He found.
"What ever happened to that little girl?" He asked.
"Oh, her. I haven't seen her in a really long time."
"She's beautiful, isn't she?"
"Her? Beautiful? Hmmm, I never noticed that before. She looks kinda sweet too... innocent and well, happy."
"Would you like to see her?"
"I could see her? Really? Where has she been?"
"I've been keeping her safe until it was time for her to come back."
"Is it time? Do You really think so?"
"I do. You know why?"
"Um, uh-uh. Why?"
"Because she's safe now."
The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me,
Because the LORD has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor;
He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives,
And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD,
And the day of vengeance of our God;
To comfort all who mourn,
To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD,
that He may be glorified."