Monday, June 23, 2008

Warning: Sappy Sentiment

The Lord has been busy in my heart lately. I lot of old things are falling away.

I believe that we all carry what I call "puzzle pieces" around for each other. And at the right time, when the Lord has prepared us, He has someone give us a puzzle piece to help complete our puzzle.

I've been handed several puzzle pieces lately. A few from Tia, one from Kimberly and a few that I've been carry around for a long while from my sweet "sister" Jenni.

I didn't know what to do with all these pieces. So I sat at the kitchen table with my dear hubby this last Saturday and rambled until they all fell into place. I sobbed uncontrollably as I realized what it all meant.

You see, I have never been very good at ONE thing. And all my life I've believed that was bad. Often I just brush it off and say,"I'm the substitute teacher of life." But inside it has always bothered me. I used to always apologize for being me.

I stopped doing it so much out loud. Oh, but I didn't realize how much I did it internally.

I have never been okay with me.

When I was younger I was too skinny, talked too much, got too sick. As an adult I was too opinionated, still talked too much, and was still way too sick. Recently I was too chubby, too tired and too scattered.

I knit but I'm not great. I play piano just alright. I play the drums a little. I love the idea of sewing but my completion record is poor. I write when I'm in the mood. I sing off key-loudly.

All these things just kept building in my head. I kept trying to figure out who I am and what I'm about.

I know I belong to Jesus and I was made for a relationship with Him.
I know I am Karl's wife.
I know I am the mother to Leisl, Brigitta and Kurt.
I know I home school.
But was that it? Something seemed to be missing.

I knew if I could just pick ONE thing and focus on it I could be good at it or maybe even great at it. But what ONE thing was it?

Karl looked at me across the table and said, "Honey, if you could only do ONE thing, it would kill you." He was right. He told me he loved that sometimes I'm sittin' and knittin'. And he loves when I'm in a pie making mood and make a different pie everyday for a week. He said it was okay that I sew one week, get into gardening the next and then practice piano like crazy the week after that. For the first time in my life I felt like it was okay to just be me. Without apologies!

He was doing the bills today and asked me about a receipt for Jo-Ann's. I told him it was my attempt at sewing. And he said, "Oh so it's miscellaneous." I asked if we should make a special category for all my crazy pursuits and he said no that miscellaneous is fine.

So then, being a wise guy (you know that talks too much) I said, "I am miscellaneous."

And then it hit me-- miscel-LAINIE-ous.

I AM MISCEL(LAINIE)OUS!!

I couldn't stop laughing. I'm miscellaneous.

And it's okay.

And if I can be okay with me, a sinner saved by the grace of God, just doing the best I can with what I've got then, maybe I can be okay with my husband when he is less than perfect (which is rare).

Maybe I can be okay with my kids and know that they are learning and growing and don't have to be perfect all the time.

Maybe I can be okay with people and just love them, in a small way, like the Lord does.

He knows we aren't perfect. It's why He died for us. He knows we'll get there. When we see Him, we'll be like Him. But until then all He asks is that, "Beloved, Let us love one another." 1 John 4:7 and I say "Amen" to that.

2 comments:

Andrea Bell said...

I SO understand that.

I am so glad that you are finally getting to enjoy all the things about yourself that we have all loved for so long:) You are wonderful and I wouldn't choose any other little-big sister. You are a delight from the Lord, a treasure.

"Maggie" said...

You're so sweet. I love you!

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